It's been longer then I would have liked it to have been, however I felt like I needed to focus on my schooling for midterms but now that is over with and I can finally talk (again) about my love of Fall, and Halloween time especially. You see it's got the best movies and music and it's just the right mix of spooky and fun, The Tingler is a perfect example of a "scary" campy 1959 Vincent Price movie that if you have watched, makes a perfect segue to what I really want to talk about (if you haven't seen it then now is probably the best time ever to go and watch it... No really go watch it and then you will know what this weeks post is about... the words will still be here waiting for when you get back...). Okay so now that you have seen The Tingler you know that I am talking about Fear this week, because last week I was terrified and if I am honest I have been terrified since starting vet school, it's not a constant fear thank God I would be dead by now (spoiler) just like the people in The Tingler who could not scream I would be have died of My fear.
You see My fear all starts with that little voice of doubt whispering though the wind that I am going to mess up, that no matter how long and hard I study, no matter how meany times I talk to people about better ways to learn, or how meany people come up to me and say that "you've got this" That in the end I will fail. (It's here that I feel based on previous responses to my posts that I know that I am not stupid and that I am more then likely Not destined to fail, and I remind myself about this fact almost every day) My fear is two fold, I want to be a good Vet (or if I do fail I want to be good at whatever I end up doing) and I am afraid that I won't be good, pretty straight forward right. The 2nd thing I am afraid of any kind of failure at all, and I know those are the same... maybe but for me they are different. So taking test has been necrotic to my Nerves, I used to be a mostly calm test taker who only got nervous about the big stuff, well now everything is big and the pressure is getting to me.
I mean anytime I am in a high pressure situation I get nervous which is not a bad thing on its own, I even get nervous when I am about to go racing after I have been away from it for any meaningful amount of time, but that is more of a excited man I hope I can still drive fast kind of nervous. however Tests which used to lead to a healthy amount of nerves, now only lead to Fear,
I am afraid, and if it wasn't for God, friends and family, then I would probably would have no hope moving forward as happy and as confident as I am, I just want everyone to know that when you see me standing around before or after a test happy as can be, It's not that I am full of confidantes in my self, It's mostly Doubt, It's not at I am not scared, because I am Terrified. The Reason I can look so calm on the outside is because I know for a fact that no matter the twist and turns my life may take it's all going to be alright in the end...TTFN
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